Let’s be real: I don’t have it all figured out. Despite writing about my experiences, I don’t magically transcend my mental health challenges. Moving to a new state has brought both fresh perspectives and a sense of instability. Mental illness, like existential dread, is a lifelong companion. I’m learning to manage it, day by day.
Last week, work felt like walking on shifting sand. I questioned my qualifications, a familiar pattern of imposter syndrome. I doubt my abilities, dismissing my past achievements as a lie. I’m still figuring out how to combat this, but walks and meditation offer temporary relief. Ultimately, I must ride out the mental wave before regaining productivity.
I’ve oscillated between certainty and paralyzing doubt, leading to self-sabotage. I dismantle good things, a reflex rooted, perhaps, in a childhood devoid of feeling worthy. I’m prone to impulsive changes, like moving to the Philippines or Portland, often without considering the impact on others.
My anxiety and panic disorder have resurfaced. Meditation helps, but the underlying dread persists. I grapple with the absurdity of conscious existence in a profit-driven society. This system, built on war and oppression, feels like a suffocating dream. The realization of its inescapability fuels my panic.
Even as I confront this reality, I’m online, buying clothing hangers. The disconnect is jarring. I’m obsessed with death, a topic I fear others would deem unhealthy. I’m not afraid of dying, but of dying within this system.
I’m battling a daily barrage of physical and mental health challenges: food allergies, IBS, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation. 2018 was a particularly brutal year, a period of intense somatic symptoms, where my mental anguish manifested physically. I’m sharing the raw notes I wrote during those times, unfiltered and unedited.
These notes are a glimpse into my struggles. I wrote them during a time of intense pain and medical uncertainty. I’m still grappling with these issues, though I’ve gained some clarity on my food allergies and sensitivities.
Mental and physical health isn’t pretty. We’re all trying to navigate this chaotic world. Perhaps, in sharing our pain, we can find connection and hope.
“Sadness Box” – neon pink Post-It note, 1 3/8″ X 1 7/8″
“- Pulsating body
– Hard to breathe – lump in through feeling
– Zapped feeling/pain in left side of neck in nerve
– Loss of feeling in left arm
– Crunched, pinched, overlapping
– Mixture of feeling fine and then immediately not fine depending on what I drink and eat” – yellow Post-It note, 3″ X 3″
“- Hyperglycemia
– Somatic Symptom
– GERD
– Carb/Insulin Intolerance
– Alcohol and sugars I cannot digest -> nerve/physical pain
– Gas pressure in chest, need to belch to release
– Numb, faint, heart palps” – yellow Post-It note, 3″ X 3″
“Me: *Has good day – eats sugary/caffeinated foods and beverages*
Conscious: “You better calm your wild ass down!”
Title: Living w/ Physical Pain You Can’t Explain” – yellow Post-It note, 3″ X 3″
“3/12/18
heart palps
Fluttering in heart/Alert/choked up breathing
hardening in chest/tightness
-> 1 small piece of dark chocolate
– calmed down
-> 1 medium size veggie/fruit smoothie
– started uneasiness again” – yellow Post-It note, 3″ X 3″
“I AM WORTH 45K?” – yellow Post-It note, 3″ X 3″
“- Nervousness is constant and can lead to mania
– Nervous eating
-> sweet (mango slices) any stimulating food/beverages cause panic/heart palpitations” – yellow Post-It note, 3″ X 3″
“-shortness in breath
– Need to faint
– heart fluttering
-> somatic symptom disorder
-> heart arrhythmia
(I’m aware of when I’m anxious/panicking…?)” – yellow Post-It note, 3″ X 3″
“SUFFER” – neon yellow Post-It note, 1 3/8″ X 1 7/8″
“I suffer, please help
Mantra #4″ – neon pink Post-It note, 1 3/8″ X 1 7/8″
“THIS IS NOT YOU. WHO ARE YOU?” – neon yellow Post-It note, 1 3/8″ X 1 7/8″
“(front side) 6/23/18
No thyroid problem – results came back normal.
– stress test
– still have nerve pain issues
– still unable to eat sugars (including fruit) w/o pain
Psychiatric appointment for:
– memory loss
– inability to not react to stressors physically;
logically I can rationalize, but still does not stop sympathetic reactions.
(back side)
-unable to do cardio exercise without heart pain and trouble breathing” – torn out lined journal paper, approx. 4″ X 6″
“Fruit sugars/Natural – low glycemic is okay; sugary gives panic attacks like bananas
Added sugars -> instant pain and panic attacks w/ all associated symptoms
*Extreme pain is taking deep breath
*Left side of neck becomes really stiff” – torn out lined notepad paper, 5″ X 8″
“I want to go to school, but I need some help” – torn out lined notepad paper, 5″ X 8″
“Intolerence/hypersensitivity to:
Alcohol -> (near death + 3-day + hangover w/ one drink)
Sugar -> simple and complex
Caffeine
Symptoms:
debilitating muscle pains
electric shocks throughout chest
numbness/pain in arms/shoulder (particularly on the left side)
prickling/stabbing sensations
shaking + nervousness – heightened anxiety
pain in bones
moodiness/irritable
forgetful/loss of memory
constant belching
heart palpitations/fluttering/irregular heartbeat
air hunger (feeling of not enough air)
pain when deep breathing
pressure on heart or exploding feeling
– Regardless if I have any of above…
1) everyday I experience panic attacks or inability to breathe while trying to sleep or falling asleep
2) heart palpitations
3) muscle pain/nerve pain
4) fatigue/exhausted if I don’t eat constantly – also, thirsty although I drink a lot of water
5) faint heart feeling/dizzy spells
6) chest pain + numbness in left shoulder/arm
7) easily sick and bruise
sometimes I get:
mini-stroke symptoms
ocular migraines (30 mins. – feels painful + like I’m brain dead)
other vision problems like bright lights in corner, blue neon speckles, glitches in vision
I’m worried about:
– breast cancer (I have a constant weighted pain feeling on/in left breast)
– STDs
– fibromyalgia
– hypoglycemia
– nerve damage
– somatic symptom disorder
– heart failure
– glaucoma
– acute stress” – torn out lined journal paper, 5″ X 8″
“- Must eat often otherwise I get extremely weak/tired
– I’m always thirsty – when I’m drinking a lot of water I never feel satisfied
– I stay away from eating/drinking anything with alcohol, sugar (even high GI fruits/most fruit in general) and caffeine due to immense pain, bloating, heart issues, etc. it gives me. I eat minimally processed, mostly organic, diet high in fat, protein, + complex carbs of starches (sweet potatoes/dark leafy greens)” – torn out lined notepad paper, 5″ X 8″
“- I’m stressed/depressed often although, my normal mood is happy/cheerful.
– I get yeast infections semi-often
– I’d feel happier if I wasn’t always in pain due to things I eat or going to the ER if I decided to have a celebratory drink.” – torn out lined notepad paper, 5″ X 8″
” Alcohol(I don’t drink as of
– Instant pain
– Ocular migraines
– Stroke-like symptoms
– Throat swells/hard to breathe
I wake up feeling drunk even when I had 1 or 2 drinks
– Rapid heartbeat/very low heartbeat
– palpitations
– loose tar stool
– symptoms last strong for 1-3 days, I feel normal after 1 week
– shocks/max pain overall body
– belching/very gassy
– Table sugars/fruit/some bread/pasta
– Instant all over body muscle pain/nerve pain
– heart palpitations
– loose stools
– hard time focusing
– pain ceases within 30 min w/ magnesium or 1-3 naturally” – torn out lined notepad paper, 5″ X 8″
“Reasons to move:
– Forgetting things
– Heart palpitations every day – now electric shooting sharp pains to chest
– When I try to do simple tasks it’s very stressful. Feel dead + I get stabbing/prickling sensations in head.” – torn out from notepad, 8.5″ X 11″
“5/3/17 – 3-5 times
migraine episode – fainting spells, blue light flashes, light-headed, heart clasping feeling, shortness in breath
sleep: 6.5 hours
eat: morning -> chia seed yogurt + ginger tea
supplements: B-complex + urinary-x
5/4/17
migraine or mini-stoke-like episode
10am (30 min)
left side face and arm slight numbness
unable to think properly, slight speech slur
numbness goes down left side of back
slightly harder to swallow
sleep: 6.5-7 hours” – torn out lined notepad paper, 8.5″ X 11″
“Michigan – Detroit
Ann Arbor
Grand Rapids
California – LA
Oakland
San Diego
Pennsylvania – Philadelphia
Rhode Island – Providence” – printer paper, 8.5″ X 11″
“I am the epitome of functional bipolar
With very real, but exaggerated and aggravating history of acute somatic symptom disorder and hypochondria. You may hear that I have anxiety that my symptoms originate from psychosis and are therefore imagines and non-existent due to your failure to perform proper studies to obtain real results. However, in my eyes and from what I feel is very real pain and it’s a shame that you feel able to disregard me due to your assumptions from holding a doctorate’s degree. You are incompetent and misdiagnosing many people.
Please tell me how my mini-strokes are not to be worried about when I’m paralyzed. Please.” – torn out notebook paper, 8.5″ X 11″
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